a life unaccounted for

there we go again, just like before.. arguing on petty things, then silence will overwhelm.. in times like these, i never know what to feel. i feel lonely that i just want him to hug me and let me know that everything's alright. but then again, i want to shout at him, to slap him for making me feel miserable because i can't be angry at him despite the fact that he always hurt me. i feel mad at myself for letting it continually affect me, and make me want him to just stay and hold me. but more so, i felt tired of this never ending cycle--we hurt, we miss each other, we make up, we fight, we hurt.. i felt numb, and i don't think i will be able to tolerate it in the future. and that realization frightens me so much that i felt number. what if i can't put up with it much longer? what if i hurt so much i can't take it anymore? even the sheer possibility of it makes me want to burst into tears. so that ends it? after a long time of dealing with each other's personal issues, learning to deal with so many problems, getting used to each other's presence? do we have to end up just like everyone else--together, but will never be?

i don't think i can deal with that. but i don't think i can talk to him right now.. there's just too much hurt and i don't want him to see me cry. i don't want anyone to see me cry. maybe all those things just accumulated and i just have to let it all out before i can face him again. i know i just needed some rest. i need to be anywhere else but with him, so i can think clearly.

last night, i told him that i needed some rest. and he agreed. normally i would feel walled with him, protected, safe, but nearly suffocated. when he agreed, i thought i would feel lighter, free, but instead, i felt hollow. i never felt more unsure of myself.

i wanted to get out of my wall, but i never want to leave its assurance of shelter, its security that nothing bad will happen to me.

but my wall may crumble, and i have to leave or it will fall on me.

i have to be sure it's sturdy enough to hold me, then maybe i can return, and succumb to its promises of warmth and home.