"People think that a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants.But a true soulmate is a mirror - the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person that you'll ever meet because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah, it's too painful."
-EAT, PRAY, LOVE
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Issa’s Infinite Reading List of Books turned into Movies/TV Series
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Just finished Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist (Rachel Cohn and David Levithan) – the book, not the movie. For a sensory-loaded one like this, I trust my imagination more than the creative prowess and technical expertise of the movie people. I hate emotions being spoon-fed by films when you can feel it for yourself and do a better job. I can relate myself more to Nick than to Norah, having made playlists for my “Salvatore”.
Okay, a rundown of events: Nick is the bass god of a queercore band who was dumped by Tris, who happened to be the frienemy of Norah (daughter of big music exec who legally added the h in her name in veneration of Norah Jones) but Nick doesn’t know that the girls know each other. Norah already knows Nick by the playlists he gave Tris and the songs he wrote for her, but she doesn’t krnow he is that Nick when he asked her to be his girlfriend for five minutes to avoid looking like a loser when Tris and his new victim approaches them at the club where Nick plays. Then the night unfolds and ends in an ice room in the Marquis in midtown Manhattan in their quest to get over their exes and find connection in each others’ life, love, and music. Bonus: for a change, it is the boy who danced in the rain here. About damn time. Be drowned by band drama, cool cursing (if there is such a thing), and music. And newfound appreciation for the name Salvatore.
Nick: When is a night over? Is it the start of sunrise or the end of it? Is it when you finally go to sleep or simply when you realize that you have to? When the club closes or when everyone leaves?
Norah: It’s over when you decide it’s over. When you call it a night. The rest is just a matter of where the sun is in the sky. That has nothing to do with us.
***
Issa’s Infinite Reading List of Books turned into Movies/TV Series (Reviews to come when I feel like it)
Alice Sebold’s the Lovely Bones (watched it, haven’t read it)
Charlaine Harris’ Southern Vampire (of the True Blood series)
Darren Shan’s Cirque Du Freak - A Living Nightmare (the first book, to see why they skipped it and put the Vampire’s Assistant on the big screen)
Neil Gaiman’s Coraline (cute!)
Cecily von Ziegesar’s The It Girl (Gossip Girl spin-off featuring Jenny Humphrey, my designer alter-ego)
Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ Love in the Time of Cholera (great movie reviews, I’m sure the book’s better)
Nicholas Sparks’ The Last Song (only because I used to watch Hannah Montana before she became the Hannah Montana and I cried when I read Message in a Bottle but got bored with its film adaptation)
Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson Book 2 – The Sea of Monsters (just because)
Stephen King’s Carrie and The Mist (to be disturbed by a film like that, it can only come from Stephen King)
Sue Grafton’s Alphabet Murders (I know, I know, it’s not YET a movie, but it’s only a matter of time until producers will realize how cute and mysterious and talented and charming Kinsey Millhone is, especially in Q is for Quarry)
Okay, a rundown of events: Nick is the bass god of a queercore band who was dumped by Tris, who happened to be the frienemy of Norah (daughter of big music exec who legally added the h in her name in veneration of Norah Jones) but Nick doesn’t know that the girls know each other. Norah already knows Nick by the playlists he gave Tris and the songs he wrote for her, but she doesn’t krnow he is that Nick when he asked her to be his girlfriend for five minutes to avoid looking like a loser when Tris and his new victim approaches them at the club where Nick plays. Then the night unfolds and ends in an ice room in the Marquis in midtown Manhattan in their quest to get over their exes and find connection in each others’ life, love, and music. Bonus: for a change, it is the boy who danced in the rain here. About damn time. Be drowned by band drama, cool cursing (if there is such a thing), and music. And newfound appreciation for the name Salvatore.
Nick: When is a night over? Is it the start of sunrise or the end of it? Is it when you finally go to sleep or simply when you realize that you have to? When the club closes or when everyone leaves?
Norah: It’s over when you decide it’s over. When you call it a night. The rest is just a matter of where the sun is in the sky. That has nothing to do with us.
***
Issa’s Infinite Reading List of Books turned into Movies/TV Series (Reviews to come when I feel like it)
Alice Sebold’s the Lovely Bones (watched it, haven’t read it)
Charlaine Harris’ Southern Vampire (of the True Blood series)
Darren Shan’s Cirque Du Freak - A Living Nightmare (the first book, to see why they skipped it and put the Vampire’s Assistant on the big screen)
Neil Gaiman’s Coraline (cute!)
Cecily von Ziegesar’s The It Girl (Gossip Girl spin-off featuring Jenny Humphrey, my designer alter-ego)
Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ Love in the Time of Cholera (great movie reviews, I’m sure the book’s better)
Nicholas Sparks’ The Last Song (only because I used to watch Hannah Montana before she became the Hannah Montana and I cried when I read Message in a Bottle but got bored with its film adaptation)
Rick Riordan’s Percy Jackson Book 2 – The Sea of Monsters (just because)
Stephen King’s Carrie and The Mist (to be disturbed by a film like that, it can only come from Stephen King)
Sue Grafton’s Alphabet Murders (I know, I know, it’s not YET a movie, but it’s only a matter of time until producers will realize how cute and mysterious and talented and charming Kinsey Millhone is, especially in Q is for Quarry)
Was supposed to go to Quiapo, but couldn’t get through Sta. Mesa because of the public swimming pool that appeared everytime there is a little drizzle of rain. On the way back, I was bombarded with the present reality: uneducated, unguided youth;tax-evading businesses; and slum areas that looked like garbage mountains from afar (like nightmare up close). The Social Cancer all over again. The difference? Spaniards had nothing to do with it, for you did it to yourselves.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I had seen how you can be united. But should someone die for you to become one? Congratulations, you’ve come a long way in terms of your ways of life, but look at the cost. And I understand you, I really do. I know you don’t have anything at your table, and I also experienced that. When I just finished Noli, I almost threw it into the fire because I didn’t have any money to publish it. I ate just once a day, mostly bread and coffee, not unlike the kaninbaw you’re eating right now.
What everyone needs in these times of turmoil are the Maximo Violas of the world to give hope to people. But all will be waiting, and no one will become one. You see the problem?
The Filipinos will always be colonized: by Padre Damaso, by Americans, by commercialism, by pornography, by politicians, by selfish dreams. The situation and actors will vary, but the play will remain the same.
So now what? The answer is simple. Start small. Dream. Make a difference. Register. Vote. Know your rights. Exercise your rights. Better yet, join The Good Ideas. Because when people think of better ways to improve our beautiful country, I will always be there. I am willing to die a million times for you, so I’ll see you on Whitespace.
**
P earl of the Orient, oh my grace-filled and exquisite home
I will forever live in your sweet promise of peace
N ay, no one can replace you in my heart until my life will cease
O nly you will be flourishing in this majestic throne
Y earning will I always be for your freedom until I receive Death’s kiss
- he offers to wash our dishes pag tinatamad ako para nde magalit sken c kareen
- pinapauna nya kong kmuha ng pagkain dahil alam nyang nde ako kumakain ng taba
- he lets me sleep during our dvd marathons pag antok na antok na ko; but
- hindi xa matutulog khit antok na antok na xa pag gusto kong mag-usap na lng kme magdamag
- he offers to wash my clothes pag marami akong ginagawa
- kahit na nagtitipid kami, he is eager to spend pag sinabi kong nagugutom na ko
- he immediately kisses me pag kinakalabit ko xa, khit wala na kong pharyngitis and i can easily say "kiss mo ko"
- sinusundo pa rin nya ko sa zodiacs khit nagseselos xa kila kuya jasper
- nagiinternet xa sa zodiacs ng lagpas 3 hours pag wala akong kita
- alam ng mga classmate nmin pag magkaaway kami--pareho kaming tahimik which rarely happens
- ginagaya nya si lindsay lohan sa freaky friday (kicking from the back)
- he proves to ms caga na kaya nyang mag-excel sa accounting ng hindi ako katabi (pero nami-miss ko na xa, hindi na kami maasar dahil may nakasulat na 'labyu! mwuah!' sa worksheet nya)
- he insists to ask permission from ate dana pag inaabot kami ng 11:30 sa panonood sa bahay, even if ate is the coolest ate in the world, and she wouldn't mind
- he never misses the chance to compliment me in anything
- inaalagaan nya si khilet pag mei sakit xa
- dinadala nya ung cellphone (s knya un, ako lng gumagamit cmula nung bilhin nya) sa bahay khit hatinggabi pag naiiwan ko sa knila, para matext ko xa kinabukasan paggising ko
- nagpapatugtog xa sa knila pag may away kami, so parang may background palagi lahat ng arguments namin (fave picks: kismet by silent sanctuary and migraine by moonstar)
- he sings in my ear
- nalungkot sina bilog at temay nung akala nilang magbe-break kami
- hindi papasok si matthew (pamangkin nya) kung nde dadaan sa zodiacs
- ayaw nya ng masisikip na lugar, pero sinasamahan pa rin nya ko sa guadalupe
- we agreed on not having term of endearment dahil cheesy un, pero ung issa naging issa ko, tas naging mahal ko, tas naging mahal. so there.
- i could spend a day citing more instances.
udeng for me is what paulo coelho describes as "zahir"--something that when you have seen or touched, will never be forgotten, and will gradually fill your memories until you are driven to madness.
salamat sa lahat!! hapi puso udeng.. nakupenda!
semper fidelis.
i guess i cant help it.. khit planuhin kong wag magpakita s knya o kausapin xa ng matagal pra mtakot xang awayin ako.. hanggang isang gabi ko lng kayang magtiis.. haay..
but i never regret that..
and i admit that i overreacted the other day..
may magagawa ba ko kung mahal na mahal ko xa? and i dont want to just throw away those times we had.. 15 months na kme bukas!!
i was looking at his email account, binabasa ko ung mga lumang msgs.. nakakatawang isipin na gnun kme dti.. tas gnito na kme ngaun.. ^_^
im really glad i turned out like this.. i would nver want it any other way..
mahal na mahal kita udeng.
there we go again, just like before.. arguing on petty things, then silence will overwhelm.. in times like these, i never know what to feel. i feel lonely that i just want him to hug me and let me know that everything's alright. but then again, i want to shout at him, to slap him for making me feel miserable because i can't be angry at him despite the fact that he always hurt me. i feel mad at myself for letting it continually affect me, and make me want him to just stay and hold me. but more so, i felt tired of this never ending cycle--we hurt, we miss each other, we make up, we fight, we hurt.. i felt numb, and i don't think i will be able to tolerate it in the future. and that realization frightens me so much that i felt number. what if i can't put up with it much longer? what if i hurt so much i can't take it anymore? even the sheer possibility of it makes me want to burst into tears. so that ends it? after a long time of dealing with each other's personal issues, learning to deal with so many problems, getting used to each other's presence? do we have to end up just like everyone else--together, but will never be?
i don't think i can deal with that. but i don't think i can talk to him right now.. there's just too much hurt and i don't want him to see me cry. i don't want anyone to see me cry. maybe all those things just accumulated and i just have to let it all out before i can face him again. i know i just needed some rest. i need to be anywhere else but with him, so i can think clearly.
last night, i told him that i needed some rest. and he agreed. normally i would feel walled with him, protected, safe, but nearly suffocated. when he agreed, i thought i would feel lighter, free, but instead, i felt hollow. i never felt more unsure of myself.
i wanted to get out of my wall, but i never want to leave its assurance of shelter, its security that nothing bad will happen to me.
but my wall may crumble, and i have to leave or it will fall on me.
i have to be sure it's sturdy enough to hold me, then maybe i can return, and succumb to its promises of warmth and home.
night ritual
Around, all around, the mourners gather.
My dread grows as doom's scythe falls against my naked soul.
It crushes me, and darkly my
essence drips
to the wicked earth that is my prison.
In numbness I call your name
while oblivion looms.
Now alone, my supplication falls upon cold eyes.
This is my salvation.
***
death deserved
what have you wrought?
a shadow of misery as perceptions seep.
once we drank of innocence,
untainted and childlike,
but your thirst drifted away.
a feverish vision of bitterness -
thoughts follow love, follow pain,
love condemned.
in a torrent of vengeance,
i still love you.
***
pulled apart
the night falls in a heavy, suffocating cloak,
entwined are we.
the god for which you lust
flares once, then dies,
devoured by the abyss.
all hope must surely perish.
your soul thrives no more.
how could you fail to believe?
lost souls surround us, crying,
sanctuary.
***
to be as she
It is a night of ethereal pain, a song of subtlety,
wolves vent their howls. The thirsting one
stirs.Curling, icy wisps of death shrouds her gaunt form,
a lurking desire.
Her silken hair cascades over
translucent ivory shoulders, and her
full deeply crimson lips part slightly, to taste the
red tears streaming from the
pale flesh beneath
her.
Now a night of ecstasy,
I hunger.
***
heaven shunned
Slender beams of radiance enter
this darkened chamber as I kneel,
always supplicating, always despairing,
frozen here,
waiting.
Tortured forms wrought in panes of glass loom as
dust dances in the air,
forming an image in my mind,
searing my shamed soul.
A reflection on a deathless face.
I raise my head, now railing against
this impassive Limbo.
i've always been independent my whole life.. high school pa lng, kmeng 2 na lng ni kareen sa bahay. I never learned to ask anyone for help, even if it means mahirapan ako sa isng bagay..now i have realized that once you get used to the idea that someone cares for you, you will wonder why you have worked by yourself for so long, and regret the times that you should have spent with that person.
now, another predicament arises-- how long will he stay?
because once he does, then you will wallow into the pit of loneliness and ask yourself endlessly, "why didn't i just remain in solitude? i shouldn't gave him a chance to be in my life.."
be alone--peaceful, but lonely..
be with someone--exuberant, but complicated..
but i have chosen the second, and all i can do is wait, wishing that he will be true to what he said.. and enjoy his warm presence..
who knows what the future will bring?
i overheard during our fight on the phone..
matthew: tito udeng, bat ka umiiyak?
tita ni ugin: o ugin, umiiyak ka ba?
click. (ibinaba ung phone.)
(kwinento nya ung kasunod kinabukasan..)
tita ni ugin: baka break na..
(morning after..)
bilog: kuya udeng, bat nde na pmupunta dito si ate issa? mgkaaway ba kau? magbe-break na kau? wag nman, boto kme nina temay sa knya..
aaaaww.. ^_^
"maybe fate will smile upon us, and we'll see each other again.." -charlene
"everytime, when i'm just about to reach out and touch you, you disappear.." -jack
"call me superstitious, but sometimes i think i can feel charlene's presence.. it's as if we're heading in the same direction, sharing the same orbit.. if we both stay in this path and don't stray, we'll see each other again someday.. i can only hope that day is sometime very soon.." -jack
--naked weapon--
if you can't love yourself, you won't be able to love another.. and you can only let yourself feel loved by you is by doing the things that makes you feel good inside, feel wanted by others..
but how can it happen if the person you're doing it for is trying everything to make you avoid doing those things?
so complicated..
and what makes it more miserable is realizing that he can still make you forget everything and try again..
and start again..
be hurt again..
then try again.
why is everything supposed to be in cycles? drat.
i don't know if we get our highs fighting our heads off.. but it sure feels terrible just trying to think how everything could turn out the other way around so fast.. it makes me feel sad that everytime things are so good between us, a simple word uttered by the other would ruin the entire moment.. then silent wars.. then old issues coming back..
unlike before, it doesn't make me feel good that we are sure to make up immediately.. it just makes me tired in a way, like we have been on that road before, and to think that we should have learned something..
i can't say how long can we put up with getting into each other's nerves..
but i can't risk it, no matter how big our fight is, because despite it all, he's still the best thing that happened to me..
maybe we'll talk it out (again) after the feasib.. we should concentrate on it first...
Alam mo, mei mga bagay na hindi na tinatanong dahil mahirap sabihin.. hindi porke’t ayokong magsalita, ayoko na sa relasyong ito.. minsan ayoko lang ng maxadong maraming arguments.. kasi napapgod din ako sa awayang lingo-linggo ata.. at hindi dahil napapagod ako, ibig sabihin nagsasawa na ko.. minsan kelangan lang din naten ng break.. kino-consider ko din un, kaya pinapayagan kitang sumama kila dyuli kahit wala ako.. ayokong masanay ka palagi na ako ang kasama.. na halos (katulad nga ng sabi mo) saken na lang umikot ang buhay mo.. ang gusto khit magkahiwalay tayo, may sarili ka paring identity.. kaya mo pa ring mag-enjoy.. dapat ikaw pa rin si ugin, hindi ka lang boyfriend ni issa.. gets mo ba ko?
Sana naisip mo na hindi porke’t hindi ako nagsasalita, ibig sabihin natitiis na kita.. mali. May mga panahon kasi na mas mabuting pabayaan ko na lang na ganun kesa makipag-argument.. mas gusto kong pag nag-away, hindi na kelangang magsigawan sa jeep, basta ang gusto ko, pag hinawakan ko ung kamay mo, okei na un.. hindi na kelangang pag-usapan.. at least chaka na, pag maraming oras na makakapag-usap, hindi ung saglit na panahong nasa jeep—kahit anong gawin naten, hindi tayo makakapag-usap ng maayos dun..
Nakakalungkot isipin na hindi pedeng mawala ung isyung talino pag mei misunderstanding tayo.. alam mo ba ung pakiramdam mo pag nanliliit ka dahil tingin mo malaking isyu saken yun? Mas grabe pa nararamdaman ko pag napapag-usapan un.. lintek, anong koneksyon nun sa anumang pinag-aawayan naten? Just in case hindi mo pa nga ako kilala, ung isang usyu na un ang pinakaayaw kong marinig kung may kaaway ako… ano naman kung matalino ako? Ano naman kung scholar ako? Ibig sabihin ayoko ng mapalibutan ng mga tanga, ng mga bobo? Punyetang utak yan!! Ayokong isipin na ang tingin mo saken, mahalaga para saken na ang boyfriend ko dapat matalino.. tuwing magkasama tayo, wala ba tayong ginawa kundi magsagot ng logic quiz?? Syempre sa tagal naten, akala ko hindi mo na iisipin un.. pero sa tuwing sinisingit mo un, hindi ko maiwasang isipin na un nga ang tingin mo saken…
Anyway, naisip ko din na tuwing nag-aaway tayo, hindi ka pumapasok.. pinapabayaan mo ung grade mo.. hindi mo ba naisip kung pano na kung nagkabati tayo? Maibabalik mo pa ba ung absent mo? Tas pag nakakuha ka ng mababang grade.. self pity ka na naman, tas magiging isyu na naman… paikot ikot lang tayo..
Pano ko maasahan na mei matatakbuhan ako pag mei problema ko kung parang mas mahina ka pa saken? Bakit parang ako pa ung dapat yung manuyo palagi? Hindi ba pedeng dahil mei boyfriend na ko, wala na kong maxadong problema dahil may aasahan na ko?
Nakakalungkot naman na sa simpleng bagay, umaabot tayo sa ganito.. hindi kaya dahil subconsciously, nagkakasawaan na tayo? Alam ko sinabi mong hinding-hindi ka magsasawa saken, at sinabi ko din un sayo.. pero hindi mo ba napapansin na bigla na lang lumalaki ung mga pag-aaway naten? Natatakot ako, kasi ayoko pang matapos to dito.. sigurado ko, mami-miss kita agad—baka sunduin pa kita para mapilit kitang pumasok.. natatakot ako kasi alam ko marami pa tong kasunod.. pano kung hindi na simple ung simula? Pano kung masyado na tayong napagod? Ayokong isipin kung ano pedeng mangyari..
Nakakatawa na kahit anong gawin kong pag-iwas, naghihintay pa rin akong magtext ka kahit wrongsend lang na para kay dyuli dapat..
Hindi ako makatulog.. nagsusulat ako na nakapatay ung ilaw para walang makakita na umiiyak ako.. nagagalit ako sayo.. nalulungkot ako.. kinakabahan ako sa pwedeng kalabasan nito, nawawalan ako ng ganang kumilos, naiinis, naguguluhan.. pero hindi ko maintindihan ung sarili ko kung bakit inaasahan kong tatawag ka pa rin samen…
At bakit kahit hindi mo napapansin, gusto ko pa ring maniwala na nakikita mo chaka naa-appreciate yung mga effort ko, kahit pagkatapos sasabihan mo pa rin akong walang pakialam sayo o sa relasyong to…
Retreat na namen sa Friday.. pahinga muna tayo until then..
